In the true sense that I am using this as a diary, and I am, I know that things are going to seem random and like I'm crazy. In that talking to myself is redundant and I hate talking to other people about my issues on a constant basis, lest they grow weary of my turmoil, I absolutely need an outlet.
I am hoping that in time I will be able to change the description and my bio to this diary but this is pretty consuming and whether I like it or not, I am going through it. Wish that I could ignore it like other people are doing but I think it's easier to look the other way when you are the one causing the damage. It's easier to convince yourself its not you, its them because that's what you have been doing all along, unbeknownst to the innocent.
So I have to make it through another day. I have to go to work and put on a face that belies what I am feeling and suppress the urge to weep tears down my face. I would try to push down the urge to feel sorry for myself or how unfair things are or fantasize about some great payback or reward, but no matter what it is still there haunting the back of every thought. Born on every breath and visualized with every blink of the eye.
I think more than one thing at a time. I bounce from thinking he is such a fool to think I have no value. He is a sad soul who has no clue how to love. He thinks he has it all figured out, but he doesn't. There is going to be a rude awakening for him someday about controlling and selfishness. Then I go over to how worthless I feel. How unattractive, how foolish I have been. It drags me down and I have to start building that staircase again, one little constructive brick at a time. The advice I get is valid. I am hearing it all. It is true and it does make sense but at the same time, i don't want to hear it. I want that fucking fairy tale ending. I totally feel that I deserve to be happy. I don't want it to be on the tails of someone who clearly isn't happy, but don't lie to me and tell me you are when in fact you relate to me you don't think you ever have been. I do want for him to be happy but it was supposed to be with me. I wanted to believe that every time I was looked at with love or cared for or told and made future plans with, that it was real. Not like I was being placated. Is that too much to ask? I know I deserve better but right now I am still reeling with the shock of what happened. I'm angry. I'm humiliated and sad.
So today I was attempting to talk myself into the 'your the better person' role and that fucking devil on my shoulder says "that's what he wants. it would make it easier on him if you are compliant."
Fuck.
This is not who I am or how I think. I feel like a stranger to myself as much as he is now a stranger to me. I feel like I am trying so many desperate things to feel validated I'm really just grasping at air. I see the world as black and white. There is no middle ground. Even after the passing of my mother, and trying to forgive her, there are things that I just can't. I keep these things tucked into me to remind me of how either not to be or what to avoid. Like a hoarder, I collect experiences. Afraid to let anything go in case I need it. In case I forget.
So my mission today is to try to recoup some of the damage that has been done recently and get back to living. Sleep can wait, food will always be there and anxiety can be smoothed over temporary. I am going to fill my head with all the positive things I can think of me. Of who I am, what I represent. Identify myself not as something attached like some sort of ugly barnacle but as a single, powerful person. And if it makes it easier for him, so be it. I have to get back to the indifference I was shrouding myself with and stop worrying that I am offending him with my hostility. It is NOT about what he feels or thinks anymore. I do NOT have to take him into consideration and I do NOT have to waste my time anymore trying to please and love someone who thinks he is better than me.
*sigh*
I know there will be another time that will crop up and I will self destruct my little bridge again, but I have to keep going. If I feel I need to feel loved, valued and admired, I need to give something to deserve that. I need to be that.
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