Invasion of the Body Snatchers

It is very difficult to stay out of my head.  The negativity, the feelings of worthlessness, the loss, feeling alone.  I constantly flip through the photo album in my head and it just brings me down.  He still acts like nothing is going on and everything in the world is wonderful.

He has had months to prepare for this.  Sizing me up, listing my flaws, noting every thing I do/did that he hates.  He has categorized and boxed up all the reasons he feels are valid in this decision that he made.  I didn't have that.  I didn't get that advantage.  It was out of the blue and not only that but he literally said it was my fault.  My fault because I didn't communicate with him.  I didn't communicate with him when I was feeling sad about our anniversary of engagement and he had recently told me he changed his mind.  My fault because I made him miserable.  My fault because he was unhappy. 

I'm supposed to cry.  I'm supposed to wallow in my pain and grief and it is supposed to help me through this.  I am supposed to lean on a good friend (who was him) and I am supposed to clear out anything that reminds me of him.

We have to live in the same fucking house.

I deactivated my facebook page because it's bad enough I get to experience first hand that he is not affected by this but to be subjected to seeing him interact with women.  I have never been the jealous type but now, for some reason, I am so overly irrational with jealousy.  It's ridiculous.  Both of us had stated several times over in our relationship that we were it for each other.  We were going the long haul and it boils me to think someone can replace me just like that. Like I'm a god-damn t shirt.

I'm embarrassed. I'm weary and I have been buried alive.  I am suffocating in a sense of self loathing because I was told it was my fault.  Because I wasn't good enough.  I know my worth and I know this is bull shit but for him to say these things to me just to make himself feel better is horrible.  I'm angry because I wasted so much time and effort and caring and love and patience.  I'm angry because I hurt.   I'm angry because I can't stop fucking crying and I just want to erase all memories of him because I'm sick with grief.  It's like seeing him and feeling like it's not him anymore.  Like someone else took over his body.  It looks like him, talks like him, it's not him though.