When this all came about, I was talking to my co-worker about the surreal situation I was in and I half joked saying I was about the same age as my mother was when she had her nervous breakdown and maybe it will happen to me. She said that wasn't funny and she hopes I don't.
I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I'm out of control for not having any control. I'm embarrassed. I have been humiliated. I feel like I'm caged.
I've put in an email to my doctor. I'm trying to stay calm but really, I am freaking the fuck out. It took me a year and medication to come to a place where I wasn't depressed or riddled with anxiety or panic attacks for no reason and now its all revisiting me in one fell swoop.
I was so happy.
I think that may have been my first mistake.
I am not sleeping, I can't eat. My body forces itself to vomit any food introduced. I can't stop shaking and the racing thoughts are killing me. Super size the anxiety attack with panic mode, tunnel vision, sweaty hands, non stop crying and racing heart. I'm trying to stay focused at this time by writing, but god knows what is going to end up happening.
It is taking every ounce of my being to stop myself from participating in self destructive behavior. I want a cigarette so bad. I feel I could easily drain a bottle of Bourbon. I have this incesssant need to dig my fingernails deeply into my skin. I feel like something, anything should make this just go away.
I went psychotic this morning accusing him of pursuing someone else. I still believe in my heart he is interested in a certain someone but he is going to do nothing but deny it. I had this inkling several months ago where I thought either he was going to or beginning to have an emotional affair. It is such a strong intuition its painful.
He says its none of my business.
It feels like it is because while I am stuck living in a house with someone I still love, he is meanwhile, trying to fall in love with someone else and it doesn't get any more devistating than that.
The animosity and hate I feel radiating from him is awful. He accuses me of being hostile and I think I may be but I just try my best to ignore him. I can't even look at him because of how deeply I feel these things. I feel I need to put up a front because I don't want him to know how badly he affects me but at the same time I am silently screaming for him to remember me as he loved me.
I have all these pent up emotions and feelings. I have this raging passion and sense of devotion and I have no one to bestow it on. I spent so long thinking about others and trying to be what I thought was a good partner that I literally don't know what to do with myself at this point. In trying to practice mindfulness I am supposed to acknowledge each feeling and sit with it. Feel it. Then let it go. I feel like I have no where to let it go to and its killing me.
I can't understand where this hate and animosity comes from and not only am I devistated but I am still so very confused. I get no reaction to anything. I have no attention coming in from anyone making me feel of value. Of worth. No recognition. I have nothing to run away to to ignore my feelings until they go away because my thing was home. Family. I don't expect anyone to provide me with happiness but I feel like I am so alone. I am craving human contact of the physical and emotional kind in a way I never thought I would.
My body has reached its physical stopping point of too much stress and its shutting down. I missed my last period due to the stress and I now have a bigger problem of trying to cope with this on my own now too.
I don't want this. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This, THIS is miserable.
No comments:
Post a Comment