You know what works?
Mantras
A constant reminder of your worth. Your self. Your gift. Your capacity. Your love.
This does not belong to anyone but you alone. Realizing no one can take these things from you is valuable.
It has been a rough time. I am not going to trip the light fantastic about being healed or being the better man or feeling like everything happens for a reason but I am embracing being in the present. Things are not behind me and things will resurface and haunt my future but this is because it is my life. It all only matters how I react and respond to it. Feelings, while fleeting and sometimes reckless, have a way of reminding us who we are and what we are made of. Passions exemplified, awareness of how strong and deep we are. It is important to be inside of these emotions and at the same time stand on the outside as a voyeur to analyze, reassure and ground ones self. While at times, difficult, there is always a calm after the storm. There is love and hate, good and evil, black and white. There are highs and lows, cold and hot and heavy and light.
You can avoid feelings for only so long before they all at once cripple you with their weight. In my experience, I have learned that I am the kind of person that cannot act upon first feelings. There is always something to consider. Always. Some decisions come easier than others and its a toss up between listening to your heart and your head. But look who's telling you that....
Instinct is subjective. You can make a decision based on challenging your experience or hiding from assumptions. Either way, it is your choice to make. This is the peaceful thing about emotions. They serve a purpose. No matter how vile or delightful, they are a reminder of living. I haven't quite figured out the reasoning behind why we are supposed to feel blessed about being alive. About seeing everyday as a gift. I guess this is because I don't believe this is all there is. I am not afraid of losing it all because just around the bend there is always more. Taking it all for granted? I suppose but I prefer to think of it as realistic.
At any rate, I am here. I feel and I love. I learn and grow. I am worthy of love and I can give and take with equality. I am learning and making mistakes. I can feel free about loving who I am and rightfully accept only those that would enhance my experience. I can share my love with thoughts, service, presence and intention. I can keep separate the friend and lover, enjoying that complimentary soul or relishing the physical delight of sex. I can combine them to have the best of both worlds and I would not be wrong for feeling what I do about any scenario.
I am not a terrible person. I do no make anyone miserable. There is a sincere lack of 'awful' about me and I am fully entitled to being hurt when my trust and love has been not only taken for granted but thrown away. It is difficult to expose yourself for what you are feeling but I am learning it is freeing. It allows a certain independence within connecting to others and I should never be ashamed of who I am or who I represent as long as I do everything with good intentions and a whole heart.
I won't apologize for my feelings. I will stop apologizing for who I am. I can apologize for being hurtful and I will do my best to keep a positive productivity to my well being and of those I surround myself with.
Today is a good day. :)
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