I have become someone I am not. I can't control my rage and anger. If he is in the room, if I even hear the eternal clicking of his computer that never fucking stops, it makes my skin crawl. Every little thing bugs the crap out of me and not only do I build up this rage but I say things that are mean and nasty. It's like I don't even know I am saying anything. These snarky comments just come out of my mouth and I instantly berate myself for having the nerve to be such a bitch. But at the same time, I can't apologize. I tried and almost instantly I went right back to saying something awful.
Internally I want him to have all of my pain. I don't care if he takes on mine or acquires his own, I want him to suffer as much as I am. I know this is wrong and in my heart of hearts I feel bad for thinking it but this is where I stand for now. I am funneling my anger and feeling of betrayal into wanting revenge and karma to work her magic like RIGHT NOW. I feel like I won't be satisfied until he feels exactly what I feel so he knows exactly what he has done instead of playing this little, meek sheep who acts like he is the victim here. It irritates me to no end that he goes on like this is all no big deal. Showing no emotion what so ever. The same man who cries at the drop of an emotional movie. This is how I know this is not the same man. A stranger. Someone walking around in his skin suit. That asshole....
So I have told him via text that not only do I feel hostile and will likely remain so but that I think it would be best for now for him to stay far away from me and I stay far away from him. I stated I will not apologize for my feelings as he won't for his and I warned I will continue to be bitter for awhile.
I have always had a policy of if I get angry I have to calm down and think things through before I lash out. I know my temper and I know how detrimental words can be. Any time I have been upset I have told him that I do not want to talk about it at that time, I need time to process things. I have learned how to pick my battles this way and setting my priorities. Time to let emotional flares die down and logic and reason to settle in. Sometimes I won't even have anything to talk about later because I have already resolved it on my own. He would get upset with me because I wouldn't talk about whatever right then and there. This made me NOT want to communicate. He would also get upset at me if he even remotely thought I was mad at him. Which he usually assumed, self important people are like this you know... If it was about him, he invalidated me which is something you should NEVER do to a partner. He denies doing this but it's my truth. I lived it. I have had to deal with working around it. Making do most of the time by covering up things because I knew he wouldn't handle it well. I know him better than he thinks I do. I'm sure he knows me better than I think I do but on the feelings front, I can not stand when people tell me I am wrong. Clearly it is not something they are experiencing. It is not their view. You cannot tell someone they are wrong for feeling the way they do. That is emotional abuse.
When he would get into a bad mood the whole air in the house changes. Everything is thick and dense and tricky. You never know who is going to get lashed out at or for what. With a micro manager, this can be anything. I keep my distance from those situations because that is what works for me. He gets mad because I do this and tells me that is when he needs me to be closer. This is like opening the cage for a starving lion and trying to give it a hug. Seriously. When there is a history of snapping back and blaming others for what you are feeling, people aren't going to rush in to coddle you.
So I warned him, this way that I have been acting, is why I don't allow myself to get angry. Why I take a time out. Because I know what I am capable of and it's not healthy. So today, with not even seeing his face, I feel a slight bit relieved. Much better than yesterday where another sobbing fit came over me that I literally could not stop. God I hate that....
I have thought about (what HAVEN'T I thought about during this whole surreal punishment??) the thing I am trying to grasp at is, I have no control over this. This was not something I did, it was something done to me. I don't have a say. I don't have a choice. I have to make these sacrificing decisions because that is what I do and I don't want to for someone who could give a shit. So I'm bitter about it. I don't feel entitled necessarily but I feel like I have been flung into the mud and I've got to make my way out of it by crawling. I do understand I have control over my future but that is the far future. I can make plans and plot goals but it gives me nothing over THIS situation. I feel almost like a child being punished severely and having rebellion inclinations. It doesn't help that I can still remember times in the past I have had to tell him to NOT speak down to me like he does his kids. I fucking hate that.
But there is that self importance again.
I have a lot of healing to do. Years in fact. I don't think I will be able to ever forgive this but that is my cross to bear and I have enough control over myself that even if I don't forgive, I won't punish for it.
I will be damned if I am going to go out of my way anymore though. I gave enough.
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