The past few days I have just been sliding along. I have been keeping an open mind and a positive one. It has been working well. I have had a couple days where confidence reigned and when you reach that point, everything really seems to come easy to you. In that frame, I didn't let other people get me down. I didn't worry about what needed to be done or didn't get done. I just 'was' and 'did'. I don't think it was a blissful ignorance, I didn't feel as if I were pushing anything down but I would feel a little this or that and I would sit with it for a moment and then.....just let it go. I really hope I can recapture this sense today as I just don't like how NOW is going.
In my dream last night appeared someone from my past that I was slightly involved with. I was infatuated to be honest and I tried to play it off as more 'cool'. Sometimes when you have certain people in your life, you just KNOW their presence means more than just passing. Like you really have known them for a lifetime. Like you are just connected. I let things happen organically between us and it felt nice. It was after being alone and having to deal with some really emotionally immature people and when you need grounding in life, it just comes. Well one day after weeks and weeks of daily talking and seeing each other on a fairly regular basis, he just stops. One day turns into 3 turns into 4. I call, leave a light message, nothing. So by nature I am a worrier. I'm afraid something has happened and I'm just waiting to hear this awesomely terrible excuse about the distance.
Nope. He finally calls and I demand an explanation. Bottom line is, he says, "I don't need you in my life right now."
That was when I turned into water and fell all over my kitchen floor. SPLASH!
Same situation now. Same situation it has been in the past.
When I have left someone it was because compatibility wise, it just was nonsense. Or they were being SUPER clingy. I have never looked at someone in my life and said "you know, we spend time together, we seem to really get a long and like each other, we have a lot in common and the sex is great, we're like best friends that get to sleep with each other but you know what? I don't think you are going to provide me with what I need."
I truly don't get it.
So in my dream was this one person from my past and when I think about him it just opens a Pandora's box of negativity. I feel frustrated and sad. I'm angry and confused again. I feel what I want most right now is to be near someone, physically close to someone, who will accept me for me. Who enjoys being in my company. Who might think I am attractive. Who would think of me as an equal and I would feel the same. I know that is what we all want but I feel very disregarded and sitting with a very bruised and scarred ego. At least at this very moment. Yesterday I didn't feel this way. Yesterday I was entirely someone else.
These people from my past, these long ago romantic involvements, they move on. A lot have gotten married. This is usually the thing that reminds me of my flaws. They seem so happy, so complete and I think that that is how I was not so very long ago. And just like they had done, I am not enough. I know this is bullshit. I know my value and my worth. I think maybe I have poor selection in people. I have been told I am intimidating, I have also been told at the same time I am withdrawn. I can't necessarily help how I come across. If I am doing it from honesty and from the heart, why should it be criticized?
I feel far too old to be in the position I am in now. I feel like I am being punished for something I didn't do and I'm just trying to serve out my sentence as peacefully as possible so I can try for an early parole.
I had plans to spend the day with my kids at the Art museum and find a new place for lunch but due to teenagers being teenagers, I am not sure this will be the plan today. I was woken up super early on my one day to sleep in and my companion is a large dog that keeps staring at me. So I think what I need to do at this time, is to sit here in how I feel. Covering each emotion one at a time, not reacting, not responding but just sitting there with them and just.......let each one go. They are in the way of my inner love and light.
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