It's perfect that it's a cloudy morning

It's morning and I spent most of the night drifting in and out of an awake sleep, maybe crying, I don't know, but having that fucking song "I Hate Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe in my head.

I spent the better part of last evening bawling, I just could not for the life of me stop.  It was just a never ending wail inside of me that just made everything hurt so much more.  I'm still a weepy mess this morning.  I know I have to go through this and I am supposed to feel everything as I get to it and not block it but it's tearing me down.  All the while I'm sure it's doing nothing but boost his ego.  "Oh look how much power I have over her".

I made a copy of the letter he left me with and I am deeply considering scanning it and posting.  Just so I will have a definitive reminder of exactly what he did to me.  If I don't stay angry, I just stay sad.  I would rather be seething with rage than a puddle of emotions saying I love him.  I'm having to come to terms that our whole relationship was a lie.  That is the only thing I can think of as to what is going on.  Why?  I don't know.  I feel used.  I feel emotionally drained and manipulatively confused.  I see him for who he really is now.  Not this saintly projection he wants everyone to see and think he represents.  Like a psychopath.

Psychology today defines a psychopath as
"Psychopaths, on the other hand, are unable to form emotional attachments or feel real empathy with others, although they often have disarming or even charming personalities. Psychopaths are very manipulative and can easily gain people’s trust. They learn to mimic emotions, despite their inability to actually feel them, and will appear normal to unsuspecting people. Psychopaths are often well educated and hold steady jobs. Some are so good at manipulation and mimicry that they have families and other long-term relationships without those around them ever suspecting their true nature."

I'm not saying he is a criminal but this really is what I see.  I have had years of him manipulating and being afraid to even talk to him at times just because I know how he would turn things around.  It was never his fault.  Never.  I think the 'empathy' he feels is more a selfish design.  He doesn't really understand.  He alone holds everything to his standards.  His way of feeling.  It's exhausting.

I'm not trying to diagnose for the sake of not having and responsibility in this but this is such a drastic and sudden thing that I feel like I need to find some sort of theory as to what the hell is going on.  I KNOW I am not a bad person.  I was a good woman to him. Devoted, caring, loving, accepting. The things that he said about me, I can own up to having a few of those faults.  But to be so mean about it? To act like he did absolutely nothing wrong? To tell ME I am not good enough for HIM?  I knew he had an ego but this is complete denial.  It's mental.  To act like nothing is happening?  To go "years" feeling this kind of hate against me?  He acts like I shot his dog and ran away with his gal. Just being mad at me for being upset is fucking ludicrous. It's like I am absorbing everything from this relationship and he is just shedding it for me to take in. 

Today is moving day.  As in, I am moving my things upstairs to the room in between the boys and girls rooms.  Today because I said I was planning on having it done by today and when I say I will do something, I do it.  I am going to have to scale down what I have which is something I don't want to do because I feel like I have to sacrifice so much, that I have already.  I look around the house and all I see is mine, his, mine, his, his, his....  It's just things but attachment is a powerful ego.  As it goes, I am going to have to be the one to go through everything to separate because he won't. If it were up to him he would save it for last minute and then be pissed off about it and an asshole.

I just can't get over how much of a blow this is for me.  I felt so secure and safe.  I was looking forward to things.  I feel like I was climbing a mountain with him and he scaled higher, leaving me behind and cut my ropes to leave me to fall.

I wish for so many things right now.  Some bad, some good but mostly I wish I had the means to run away.  Just be done with it.  He can have his beautiful, perfect, delusional life and I can have my reality.  Instead my reality is this. 
It's a nightmare and I fucking hate him.