Toxic

I feel so much hatred and rage.  My mind is a swirling vortex of what ifs and whys and it just hurts even more.  I am becoming more bitter and more toxic.  I'm so mad at this whole situation.  I am having to take advil pm to get maybe half a nights rest.  A restless one at that.  I am sleeping on a pallet on the floor.  On the floor in between four kids, two other rooms.  I have no privacy now.  For someone that feels so alone, I sure as hell can't find a place to get away to.

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I am crawling out of my skin with so much restlessness and regret.  I can't focus on anything and my stomach is constantly rebelling against me.  More so than usual.  I am eating a meal a day at this point and its difficult to say the least.

I spent a long time on my own.  I "dated" every now and then.  Although I wouldn't call it dating, men don't take me out.  They 'hang out' with me.  I spent a long time working on me and what I wanted and I thought I had it.  I know what happens to women my age who get dumped.  It's fucking tragic and pathetic.  So here I am at 39 and three quarters, living like some college kid, sleeping on a floor and wondering what the hell tomorrow is going to bring.
I nailed pathetic.

I'm not stupid.  I know why he lost it for me.  Even if he pretends not to know, I know.  It makes me melt into a puddle of my own tears.  It makes me think of what an asshole he is.  Every good thing I ever had thought about him, I don't now.  Pride and ego overstepped into my life and I can't forgive this.  I know I am supposed to forgive things but there are things I don't.  Not a lot of things but enough that I have squirreled away a section of my heart devoted just to keeping these things locked up so I know better than to make the same mistakes again.  I can't stand to be here, around him, and I don't have a choice. 

This was one big mistake.
I am full of and constantly being bombarded by the regret that I have for any of this.
I should have walked away a long time ago when I thought I should instead of giving him more chances.

This article is amazing.  I can relate to so many things on here about what I have gone through.  The only thing is, he would deny, deny. deny.
I know my truth.
It Wasn't Love