Last nights events have made a hostile situation into an all out catastrophic turmoil. I will totally own the responsibility of spurring it all. I did poke the bear, I had been drinking wine, I was in a mood to be assertive.
All I wanted was to talk. All he had to do was take 10 minutes to calmly talk to me and answer my questions. I even sat down on the bed next to him, looked him in his eyes that refused to look at me, and tried to create a calmness by touching his knee, of which he shrank away from like it was burning his skin. He flat out refused to talk to me. He kept repeating "It's over. I don't love you anymore."
Yeah, I get that feeling.
but if you are going to tell me I am a terrible person, I want to know what your reasoning is. Don't call me a terrible person when you put up a facade of happy love for so long.
I was determined. I had to talk through a locked bedroom door and ask when he would talk to me. He says Tuesday. No. I say we have all the kids that day. I'm not doing it then. So he says Wednesday. I say no. I want Monday. I am will to bet you whatever you want he won't do it. He will stay gone all day and come "home" at bedtime where he will be too tired. While he spends all his time ignoring me and staying away, I feel like a prisoner in this house. Afraid to leave my room in case I see him.
So he tells me to "fuck off" and that I am a "psychotic bitch".
Me.
I'm psychotic.
He can lie to me through his teeth, bring home wedding pamphlets from the courthouse, talk about 'our' future together then the very next week tell me its over. He's done. He won't try anymore. But he's not psychotic.....
and try? Try what? Everything already revolved around him. EVERYTHING. Try to be more controlling? Try to tell me how flawed I am? Try to tell me how horrible I am? There certainly wasn't an effort to make me happy or to revolve around my life. Every year for his birthday I celebrated with gifts, dinner, cake, etc. Do you know what I got for mine every year? I might get a card. Maybe a box he made. I get to cook dinner. It's a very non-celebrated thing. He wants attention bestowed on him like he is a superior man. Like he deserves more respect and gratitude. But can't reply in kind. The air of self righteousness entered a room before he did. The judgement and criticism handed to me like I should just expect it. Then turn around to the public and be Mr. Nice Guy. Treating everyone else with kindness and respect. Making sure the burden was shared. Entertaining all with his wit and charm.
I got glared at.
I just want to know what I did that he feels justifies treating me like shit? How is it that he can look down on me as if I could never measure up to his standards? I mean the attitude and treatment I receive, is more likely to stem from something like if I cheated on him. Or gave his kids drugs. Or killed his dog. I know for certain I didn't do anything remotely close to those crimes.
When I left my ex husband, it was a mutual parting. We knew things had run its course and we were admitting we didn't fit well with each other. Before we came to that point I admit I had a lot of anger built up in side of me. Hostile, aggressive, critical. Everything he did just pissed me off and I couldn't even stand to be around him. This, this is what I was recently treated like. I knew what he was feeling inside about me just from watching him. Now with my ex husband, there were a lot of things that happened between us that I had a lot of resentment over. Him splitting after our daughter was born, taking her and then filing a suit against me for 'abandonment'. Emptying my bank account. It was nasty. So those are valid reasons to be so bitter towards someone. I want to know what heinous thing I did. There has to be something, right? You don't go from best friends to total enemy for no reason. It doesn't make sense. He said jump, I said how high. He said you don't have to go, then got upset I chose not to go. Make me upset about something and then be mad at me for being upset over something he did.
I learned a lot, I grew as a person. I learned how to better my affections and to speak my heart. I'm still a work in progress but I continue to want to be better.
I did all these things because I loved him. Because he made me want to be a better person. Not for him but for me. He made me feel secure and loved. We could laugh all the time together and had so many common interests. He didn't always treat me like he does now. It wasn't a dominate/submissive relationship. We were equals and respected each other.
So now I'm very lonely. I am trying to keep positive in my heart because I have had enough negativity in my life but its so difficult when everything feels so lost and hopeless. You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear and all I have are goat feet. I don't feel lucky or blessed. I'm very unsure of where my future leads but I am trying my best to create a plan that I can actually accomplish. I've done it all before, I can do it again.
I can't let go of this anger. This feeling of betrayal and a punishment. I hate this so much. This is what it is to feel miserable. THIS.
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