The side effects of lonely

"'Sex' is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other."

Marquis de Sade

One thing I haven't expected to be cropping up in the middle of all my rage and sadness is how lonely I feel.  I HATE being ignored and since that is all I am getting, it gets under my skin and I don't know what to do about how I feel.

I miss the little kisses at those routine times.  I miss the hugs that were meaningful.  Just having any tiny bit of contact instead of these invisible walls we have built up from each other.  It's all right there in front of you, you're just not allowed to touch.

I miss sleeping next to someone.  Listening to their breathing, wondering if everything was ok when they awoke.  Anticipating a seductive touch.  Smelling the smell of him, cuddling on his pillow after he had gone.  Making my plans for the day revolving around my family that was important to me.  I miss being looked at.  Admired, lusted after.  Being noticed.  Any compliment that always made me blush and embarrassed.  When I have been told I look sexy or pretty or nice.  Complimented on a meal I made, a thank you for doing some mundane thing.  Chatting about nothing and everything.
Listening to the radio and talking back to it like it was a third person in the room. 

I crave his hands on my body and to be able to slowly and delicately touch his.  To leave kisses where I would travel and pull tightly towards me what I desired.  The deep kisses, the fierce passion.  Watching him enjoy being with me. Watching him concentrate on something.  Feeling that connection on a deeper level.

I feel like this is all I think about lately and I am constantly reminded of how much I am NOT wanted.  Such a burden, such a turn off.  Something grotesque that can't even be looked at.  I can't look most of the time because I just anticipate it is going to be the old him back.  That he will look at me like he did not two months ago and know how connected we are, have been, would yet to be.

As a woman I am prone to insecurities as it is, but this really isn't helping matters.