Lobotomy

Yesterday was bad.  It didn't start out that way but after I got home and settled, I had been approached by him with a disgruntled. "hi."  Later sitting on the couch, I was glared at as he went into the other room and I couldn't handle it anymore.  My head started sobbing and crying and carrying on.  All I kept thinking about were memories of us. Our lives together and all the things that made us happy.  It kept reminding me there were things in the future we had planned and it fucking broke me.  I just couldn't stop.

Meanwhile he is on the couch watching movies.  Nothing going on at all.  I have never been treated so coldly before.  I had some things to say so I finally said them.  I had to admit that I still loved him and I wanted to know exactly where I stood.  Bottom line is, he does not love me.  He does not want to be with me and whatever we had basically means shit all because I am not someone else.

I have been abandoned before, but nothing like this.  He was not happy because I was not someone else.  I don't understand this concept at all.  How you can say you loved someone for years and then out of the blue tell that person they made you unhappy because they weren't someone else.  I feel like the whole relationship was a lie.  I don't even know what my purpose was being here.  It's not as if I ever misrepresented myself.  It's not like I became someone else entirely.  Any change I have had was for the better and now I can't trust that.  I feel manipulated and thrown away.  I feel like whatever I had to offer is pointless and a waste.  I have never felt such a loss of pride in my life.  Never.  It's amazing how he can take not only my future, my love, my ego, self confidence and my past with him and just toss it away because he decided he pines for someone else.

I talked to his sister the other night who said even though she is not in the situation she told me it's not my fault.  She said she would pray for me.  She said he has been battling issues for his whole life and he has this anger problem.  I know this.  I was really hoping this was just one of his episodes where he finally calms down and realizes what he has done but this is not the case.  When I MAKE him look at me, all I see is he is thinking of someone else and it cuts deep into my heart.

He still wants to be able to share lives together and that really pisses me off.  Why would I want to treat or have someone as a friend that betrayed me in the worst way?  Why does he not understand this?  He shows no emotion.  This is nothing to him.  This is just me being over emotional about something that isn't a big deal to him.  He is tired of my carrying on and weeping and pining over him and he just wants me to be nice and friendly to him.

I just want to be able to go away forever.  I want my last 6 years back.  I want all my love and devotion and time, effort and energy back.  Why would I ever invest into someone that doesn't reciprocate?  I wish I had never met him.  I wish I didn't have the past 6 years of memories in my head and everywhere I go, only to be reminded CONSTANTLY that I am being told I am not good enough.  I want to take everything I learned from him, from this relationship and just get rid of it.  It was all a waste.  Just like every other relationship in my life.
Full. Of. Shit.
If there was a lobotomy to erase everything about him and us, I would go to extremes to get it.

I have to go pretend I'm ok now.