This really sucks. One day I feel like I am finally accepting what has happened and the next I wake up and its fucking hell. Only I can't tell if it is a self created hell or one that I am being subjected to. I feel like I'm drowning. Like there are weights tied to my feet and I'm in water that isn't too deep, but deep enough to go over the top of me. To where I can see everything going on but I can't do anything but panic and hold my breath and pray for some survival savoir instinct miracle to come upon me.
I bounce from trying to keep myself on an even keel of it is what it is and I can't change it to feeling so much hatred then back to deep sorrow. I want to be heard. I want to be felt. I want to know that my feelings DO matter. That I have value in the eyes of someone I love. I can't continue going around trying to convince myself he's an asshole. He is a coward but I can't say he is an asshole because why would I be so attached to someone like that? Granted he and I have had our ups and downs through these years but it has definately been more up than down. I felt we were learning and growing together at a nice pace that didn't leave one or the other behind or create competition. He made me want to be a better person and he told me I made him feel the same.
So there he went to be that better person, but he went without me.
I spent this time being so proud for his accomplishments. Proud for becoming so successful at what he loves to do. Fully supporting and backing him. Taking pride in him and who he was and feeling ever so secure in the notion that he loved me. That we were happy. That we had a future together. It's ironic that he tells me that this is what pulled him away from me. That he can't spend time with someone who isn't as passionate about it as he is. If that is the way it works, if you can only be happy with someone who shares the same passion as you, I am in for a lonely life trying to find a heterosexual man who appreciates knitting. It doesn't make sense to me.
So I go to make the effort to be more of a participant and I get talked out of things. I don't get invited. I get a talk that tells me I would be miserable anyway. He tells me he is willing to work on this because we have a lot invested in this relationship and then he doesn't let me. Complains I am not there enough for him when the whole time I am trying to not be clingy and needy. When I am trying to be so much more a part of his life.
There is a big part of me that knows what is going on. I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to be the person who was so horrible I don't deserve love. If I can't have what I truly deserve than I want payback. I want to feel like I have some sort of gain in all of this because right now, I am at my wits end. Literally. I am becoming desperate and horrific. I am sinking to a level I didn't think I would ever be so weak to get to. I've had to always be strong. Always make things work out. Always get the ends to meet. Always starting over and I am so stuck. I can't have progress of any kind.
I don't have the luxury of sticking my head in the sand like he is. Or building a wall of such animosity towards him like he has done, because it would be false. I am trying to make my way on my path and I could have counted on him being next to me just a short while ago and now he chooses to not be there for me. With me. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be with just anyone. I wanted it to be with someone I felt was a strong partner. Someone who complimented my life and I could in theirs as well. Someone who was my best friend. Someone I could have great sex with and be amazingly attracted to. Who still makes me laugh and can make me blush and make me want to start new adventures with.
I'm fucking crushed. I have no say in anything. It doesn't matter. How I feel doesn't matter. By way of value in how I described, none of these qualities can be found in me according to him. According to him, I make him miserable. I will not apologize for who I am and what I am feeling anymore but I am truly sorry that I ever became someone that made anyone feel that way. I am sorry I couldn't recognize that someone was faking a relationship with me, just to be nice? I don't know. Why? I apologize for being the kind of person that he could find so easy to walk away from. I should have expressed myself more. Kept my vulnerable side open. Shared more what I was feeling and the passions that I do have. I have had to bury things for so long in my life that its a part of my survival mechanism and while I am learning, it wasn't good enough. I apologize for not being more open and communicating what I should have. I apologize for ever making him feel like I feel now. Alone.
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