At this point everywhere I look, I see these couples either newly found of eachother and at the honeymoon stage of getting to know one another and really enjoying being with one another and genuinly happy to have found a partner to spend their lives with. Then the everyday married couple who have been together for years. They bicker at times, they don't share everything together all the time but they each make compromises to eachother and genuinly have a deep love for eachother than can surpass and help them through a disagreement. Up until a few months ago, this was the relationship I had. So now I sit here and glare at that around me. I feel its all false. If not now, it will be soon for them.
I'm so sick and tired of feeling so let down. Of feeling like a disposable person who loves someone who finds no value in me what so ever. It really fucking hurts and I don't know how to deal with this slap in the face.
I'm trying. I am trying so hard to accept the reality but without knowing the reasons, it's making things worse. It's fucking crazy is what it is. I feel like I am living in an alternate universe.
Everywhere I go and everything I do all I am is reminded of him. Laughing about this, joking about that. Remembering a time we went there and those things were said. It truly makes me feel like how things were portrayed to me at those times were fake. Like it wasn't real.
If someone tells me they can't love me for who I am; I think that is one of the absolute meanest things to ever say to someone. You would think initially mabey they didn't really mean to say that. Perhaps they minced words but no. Its true. They are shallow and selfish and narcissistic. I am the fool for believing in so long and so deep that everything was mutual. I have been through the shit end of relationships and this in no way had any resemblance to that. Until recently. Until he found a new group of friends to glom onto and give him all the unconditional attention he desires and thinks he would prefer that.
In the meantime, I can't stop crying and I can't stop being mad. I can't forgive and I can't stop trying to figure out who the hell this stranger is that did this to me. To us. I want to take every fucking thing he ever made me or on the rare occasion, gave me, and burn it in a giant fire. I want to destroy things and if I have to start over, I may as well start all over. This is going to take a lifetime to deal with and I feel like I don't have anymore room in my heart for things that have damaged me. I wish I could be as cold and callous as him to just brush it off and attempt to go on with my life while trying to live with a "psychotic bitch" like myself.
The thing is I know in myself I am not these things that he thinks of me. A partial contribution to wondering where he comes from having these mythical ideas about who I am and what I represent. I am just at this wonderful point where I am realizing all that I have to offer and what makes me me. How I am not embarrassed to be me. How proud I am of my good qualities and how I am taking steps to really get back on my path in life and he chooses this time to tell me I make him miserable and there is nothing about me he consideres a good quality that he can appreciate. If the man that I considered my best friend and partner, the man that I enjoyed spending time with and looked forward to seeing on a daily basis can feel this about me, I don't know where to begin yet again.
Its easy for others to say he is an ass. That he is not worth it and I deserve much better and this very well is the case at this point but it certainly is easier said than done when I have spent so much heart into him.
I am so lonely for company. For the human touch, a feeling like someone loves me as much as I love them. I went so many years not having this and then having fall into my lap so naturally only to have it taken away so suddenly. People suck. More directly, he does. I can't even find any good qualities about him anymore because they are all shadowed over by this dark cloud he has become. This black hole consumed of sizing up all my faults and shortcomings and blowing them up all over the universe that is his world.
I journeyed out today with the dog to a new place to try to get away from the house and area where I am constantly reminded of him. Tomorrow will be a new location and I have to prepare this week to leave on Sunday. Life is moving on regardless and I have to go with it like it or not. I cant be hurt and angry with this happens but I still need to begin to work on me again. Even if I am feeling like I am on robo pilot, Its happening.
For the record, watching people on tv in passionate scenes makes me want to cry my eyes out.
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