When the clock strikes midnight....

I haven't been here as there really isn't anything to say that hasn't been said or felt already.  Things are ever evolving as much as I feel things are static.
School keeps me busy and I like it but it seems that is being threatened now.  I am not going to concern myself with it at this point but as a natural worrier (aka "woman"), I can't help but create all sorts of fantastical scenarios regarding the outcome. So clearly not being kept busy enough...

It seems my current life phrase is "disappointment".  I have been having the patience of a saint.  I have been so tolerant of other people and been doing so well at staying in the present, focusing my positivity out, not trying to have expectations but apparently I still do.  I get to the end of the day and I feel so let down.  I feel insignificant and walked over. 
So I shrug and accept it and continue on because it is what it is,
right?

A few weeks/month? ago, I was contacted by more of his family members.  I was expecting it but taken by surprise at the same time.  So that makes all but one contacting me to tell me even though they aren't here, they know exactly what I have dealt with because they have dealt with his anger issues his whole life.  That it certainly wasn't all my fault and it was more than wrong of him to treat me as he had. Is.  Apparently narcissism is a trait that runs in the family that is the source of the abuse they were subjected to growing up and never wanted to expose their kids to.....
ironic.

Love isn't perfection and it isn't relying on someone else to make sure YOU are happy.  It certainly isn't using control over people you supposedly love to make them bend to your shape. Expecting everyone to gather 'round and admire the saintly man god has gifted to us.

So my process of grief is winding down I feel.  It was a hell of a ride.  Looking back I can see exactly why I reacted to things the way I did.  And I don't think I was in the wrong.  Maybe two times.  But I admitted my failings and own up to being the asshole on those.
 I loved.  I loved with all of my heart someone who didn't care nor deserve it and that is pretty deep stuff. If it doesn't impact you, you're not human.  You're shallow and vain.  Have no empathy and a skewed view of the world.  Love is everything.

I'm moving past anger.  I'm totally accepting of love gone.  I am ok with that part dying.  Its the shitty way the deed was thrust upon me and then I was told to take the blame for it all.  Even then, as I look back, gaslighting me.  Telling me I was the one at fault.  I am the one who doesn't deserve love.  Ever since the evening of him holding me hostage in the driveway with his car, I can never see him the same.  He is a monster.  Whatever iota of respect I had for him as a human being, left me and I have to pretend he isn't here.  He talks down to my kids for no reason even after at least I remembered to include his children in Christmas.... and walks around like some self righteous deity.   He makes me literally sick.  It's not anger I feel anymore, it's disgust.

I have been spending a super amount of time by myself and while I don't mind it, it is starting to get to me.  I was alone for my birthday.  Thanksgiving. Christmas.  Stands to reason I should bring in the new year alone as well too I suppose. 
It hurts.
I'm worn out from feeling so alone.  Friends can only fulfill so much and kids expect you to be there for them.
I would imagine it would feel amazing to have someone around you that appreciates you for who you are and what you bring to their life. That you adore and makes you smile inside.

Happy New Year to us all.

Pay Attention

This ONE article....

 Very Very accurately describes what my whole relationship was like. You just get so focused on trying to gain that approval you once had, that false admiration, and you lose track of what is really happening.  A control game. A dominance display. An owner telling the dog "good dog!".


You never see it.

 It's not that he has turned into a monster, he has been one the whole time. Just now unleashed. This would be why there is a flat out refusal to accept any responsibility for his actions. Why he is playing up this huge role of 'victim' when he is and has been the power tripper.

I have a daughter. I know how vulnerable women can be even when they pretend to be strong as an ox. We just want to be loved. Appreciated, admired and made to feel useful. If I ever find out that any partner made my daughter feel less than anything because it just wasn't up to his standards on any given day? Oh hell no..... No woman should be made to feel they are worthless and told as much.

 Sometimes people call a woman ranting of abuse crazy. What's crazy is how many people didn't pay attention.

BE NICE DAMMIT

Want to know how my day went?
WELL....
I went into the basement to start separating out boxes and belongings to different areas of the room for easier moving.  I got most of it done but was happy with what I did.

I studied, I relaxed, I had a good day.

HE comes home, stomps up the stairs as he is calling me "Bitch...you need to listen to me..." and proceeds to tell me that I am NOT allowed to have strangers up in my room.  That only after he meets them.  If I don't obey this rule, he said "good luck getting money from me". 
Yes.
To which I responded with an emotional outburst of incredulousness that he has no right to tell me what I can and can't do and he cannot threaten me with not paying if I don't listen to him!
This is CLASSIC bully behavior and abusive!  I had this clarified today because I am sick and tired of him being this way for no reason!   Then he denied he was being a bully, threatened me OR gave me an ultimatum.  Flat out laughed and said he was none of that.

bul·ly¹

ˈbo͝olē/

noun

noun: bully; plural noun: bullies

1. 1.

   a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.

verb

verb: bully; 3rd person present: bullies; past tense: bullied; past participle: bullied; gerund or present participle: bullying

1.

use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants

The verb form definition is a match, I think, don't you?

Threaten

 : to say that you will harm someone or do something unpleasant or unwanted especially in order to make someone do what you want

: to be something that is likely to cause harm to (someone or something) : to be a threat to (someone or something)

Kinda fits too.... oh dear....

 ul·ti·ma·tum

noun

noun: ultimatum; plural noun: ultimata; plural noun: ultimatums

a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations.

 

Yeah.  Gonna have to say three for three.

 

This was just the beginning of my afternoon.

 

 So at 4:15 I am leaving the house to go to class.  His car is parked behind my car, so I can't move mine.  So as I head out the door, I holler into the bedroom where he is on his computer and say, "I need you to move your car so I can leave." then I hollered back a "pretty please" as I went out.  Five minutes later, I am still waiting patiently in my car so as to not disrupt the King.

Ten minutes later, after I go in and ask again, nicely mind you.

I go in again and he is standing on the porch texting.  Flat out REFUSING to move his car.  Standing there just being an asshole. Smirking, laughing to himself.  I am getting so frustrated I have to threaten to call the police and he is laughing, daring me to do it.

Uncontrolled tears as I am yelling at him trying to ask why on gods green earth he is doing this to me.  Why does he feel this need to control me? Why does he need to dominate someone he supposedly hates?  That he cannot tell me what to do and so forth.  He said he wasn't moving his car because....

 

 

get this.....

 

 

I didn't ASK NICELY.  

Enter raging me. 

I'm shaking, I feel like I am going to vomit, I'm sweating.  This is exactly what he wants.  When I ask him why he keeps goading me to call the police he said "cause you won't do it".  Then stated he was just going to move his car after I called anyway.

Yup.

I didn't get to leave for school until after 5.  The only reason he finally went out and moved it was because I had to make a scene and start yelling on the porch for the neighbors to hear.  Asking why he won't let me leave, why he won't move his car. That I just want to leave, that he can't do this.

 

He shouldn't but he fucking did.

 

Let's visit one more definition today, ok?

1. abuse

   noun \ə-ˈbyüs\

   Definition of ABUSE

   1

   :  a corrupt practice or custom

   2

   :  improper or excessive use or treatment

    

    

    

 This is madness.  Seriously.  I cannot believe what a monster, this man I used to love, has become.  Unrecognizable.  

I was left this note when I came home from school.

I CANNOT make this shit up.

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

-Louis C.K.

 

Even Louis gets it.....

 

 

 

Control Freak Much?

If I am courteous enough to leave you a message telling you that I am going to have company over, and when said company comes over, (being that it IS late due to odd schedules) I am carefully as quiet and as respectful as I would be towards any roommate I am sharing living space with.  I, in turn, get treated to slamming doors and stomping while guest is there. When guest leaves I get threatened.  He just can't believe I am "sneaking strangers in in the middle of the night" and my favorite, "this means a lot of changes around here...."

Right. Because you haven't upset my world enough as it is.
He leaves ME and then gets upset because I choose to go on with my life?
Are you fucking kidding me??
He tells me I told him not to bring people around.  Yeah.  I said that.  I also said don't fuck anyone in my bed. (when I reminded him he liked to repeat how he was going to fuck a lot of women in my bed).
You don't get to bail and then make the rules still, you piece of shit.

If my life, what I say and what I do, bothers you that much? YOU are the one with the issues. It is so incredible how much I have grown to realize what you have done over the years.  It's so ridiculous that he makes this grand life gesture to announce I am worthless and wants nothing more to do with me but then turns into this drama queen when it comes to anything to do with my life.

I have GOT to figure a way out of this.  I cannot be around someone who is still trying to control my life.  From someone who gives me ultimatums and threats. Who thinks I owe THEM.
UGH.

As much as I was in love heart and soul with this man, this stranger now has taught me what real hate is and how it can run just as deep.

And I was left with this little gem the next morning. Just documenting...

My Special Day!

In my life, all of the birthdays that are supposed to be "memorable", 16, 18, 21... I have not had a celebration for any.  It is in fact rare for my birthday to be celebrated ever.  I totally know how my mom felt now.  I think its great my kids remembered and all but it still makes one feel pretty damn lonely.

So I turned 40 on Thursday.  I think historically, kind of a big one, no? Halfway through life, get to go downhill now? Big coming of age celebration?FINALLY you're an adult?!?!

I went to work.  I went to class.  I came home and ended my birthday the way it has ended for a good 5 years, trying not to cry because 'it's just not that big of a deal'. Also on that day, the person I really wanted to hear from the most, I didn't.  I also spent over an hour working on a project for class that I did completely wrong.  I didn't get to fuck up making my own dinner this year though.

Got a note left on my bed. Something about nothing he says won't be met without hostility but he hopes I can focus on the good things in my life or some such shit.  That pissed me off more than just not acknowledging the day at all.   How dare someone year after year build up about how he wants his day to be special and gifts are bought and its an actual special day to honor someone you love and care about.... While every year mine went virtually unnoticed, and your going to act like its some symbolic rite to honor me on some holy day of my birth? When just a couple weeks ago I tried to pay you sincere compliments and you were flat out, an asshole to me? So you start out by telling me how you feel I am undeservedly aggressive towards you?
Seriously?
"Good wishes" are not welcome to me from people who lie, betray, are selfish, maliciously mean and have treated me like crap.  I don't understand what part of this recent history validates that I should respect someone like this.
Ugh.

So for my fortieth birthday I always wanted some super great weekend celebration.  I REALLY always wanted to go to New Orleans and I REALLY thought this was going to be the year I was going to be able to save up enough money for us to go.  At the very least I expected an evening out with a few friends.  So that was all rather disappointing. I even took off Friday in the hopes I was going to be busy this weekend, hopefully seeing that someone new. So here I am in my yoga pants drinking coffee and wondering what the fuck I am going to do with the rest of my weekend.  So this still rather disappointing...   As far as seeing someone, I am getting a Grandma story and I am starting to be really really leery.  Further still disappointing.

So I treat myself to a bag of bud and instead try to focus on some positives.  I have all day to marathon anything I want on tv.  I can totally go buy liquor if I want.  I don't have to shave.  I have my homework finished INCLUDING the research paper, (go me!) If I get hungry, whatever the hell I want. That's what.

So in a nutshell, I'm 40.  I'm single.  I am back in school full time.  I have only 20 more pounds to lose. I am super proud of how my kids are doing in school. I am attractive.  I have sexuality.  I am witty, sharp and humble.  I am learning to embrace my passions and have learned that the words not said are the most regretted.  I finally have a goal and can dedicate myself to it fully now that I don't have to take care of a family. 

Thanksgiving is this coming week.  It makes me twitchy.  I am assuming I will be cooking for me and my kids so I won't need to go all out.  Today is rainy, overcast and chilly.  Perfect pie baking day in the past.  I guess I will take them to the movies like we used to do before we were a large family.  I was really looking forward to having the kids contribute more to cooking this year. 

I think I was looking forward to a lot of things.

and now I can look forward to new things.

So why do I feel so low?

Some people

Two people starving for attention wear euphoric blinders to the desperate tragic reality of two people still starving for attention.

Based on personal experience of course.

Feeling like I don't even want to pursue a companion due to how un-trusting I have become.  I can not be put into another position to be misled and lied to.  Taken for granted and not meeting someone elses expectations of me.  It may be a cop-out but I really am incredulous as to how much I put forth and how much nasty criticism I received.  I'm embarrassed that I felt like everything I felt was being reciprocated.  A charming tongue and an attitude of a focus on him.

You never deserved me and I never deserved to be told by you I was "unworthy of love".

Some people are real cunts and I hate them for good reason.

Something to break.... how about your face?

I need to figure out what to do with severe anger when it arises because I fucking hate that ugly adrenaline.  That feeling that makes me want to rip skin off someone's face and punch until bones are broken. Like I want to snap an arm like a twig and twist off an ear while shouting into it "WHOS A BITCH NOW ASSHOLE!?!?" That head and curb scene in American History X? Yeah.... FUCK yeah.

I feel like I should need sleep.  I've been performing ok I suppose but I feel like maybe more than three hours of broken sleep might not be enough.  Like I FEEL tired... I can't get to that sweet sleep spot.
Stress.

I'm irritable, frustrated and busy as all hell now a days. I dream of a lobotomy and a vacation for 'recovery'.   I fantasize about sexual situations in a rebellious bad girl way.  I'm drawn to attempting to do things for the thrill of the possible catch.  Like I need to prove to myself how fucking awesome I am.  Like I need to take another level of control over a new aspect in my life that has nothing to do with anything or anyone I know.  Wiping the slate clean and beginning my own history with an emphasis on living out of animalistic instinct in a taboo manner.  Creating my own secrets and setting my own track. Now the fantasy has elevated to fantasizing the outcome of a REAL situation instigated spontaneously.  Acting on impulse.  Pushing all my dare buttons.  Wanting that confrontation because I have a lot to give in to that.  Converting it to an energy where I am in control and where I prove capable of attraction, attention and admiration.  Where it IS all about me.  Even as a submissive, extending the offer of complete trust and devoted service to someone is ultimately freeing.

I want to feel free.

I feel bogged down and still confused.  Stalled out and lacking of any kind of support in my life right now.
I have to be my own cheerleader and I have to keep my own self in line at times of burden and frustration.  I spent so long being one for someone else, "behind every good man...." yeah, seems like my role in life is to build up my male 'partner' just so he can turn around and act like I provided nothing of value to him. I now bounce ideas, plans and goals off of....me.  Talk to my own self about how things are going, how I'm doing.  Concerning myself with my own health and happiness.  Which, as a rule you should always be doing for yourself as your own best advocate, but aren't things in life so much better with someone who really cares for you? Who you really care for? Don't answer that if you are biased with novelty...

I feel I don't have the answer to that even though there is certainly a lack of novelty in my life.

So busy.  So much planning and prepping for things.  I do feel good about the future but at this moment right now? Dealing with this sad anger?  Trying to boost my own ego because I don't even have the opportunity to hug someone. To be close to anyone.  Having a complete stranger who was once my best and closest friend for years in the next room and feeling a sense of overlording-self righteousness emanating.  Makes me physically ill.  I second guess myself all the time now and its just bull shit.  I shouldn't have to feel like I need to do that. 

All I know is that certain people are going to be having a severe wake up call.  May not be today or tomorrow but I have seen this all happen before, I have noticed the signs and I have witnessed the chain of events. 
Karma is infinite.

At least I have compassion

Fall is here. Winter is coming.  Ugh....
I hate the cold.  It just hurts.  I've been trying to take advantage of nice days when I can, get out, center things, grab some D...

I've been relaxing.  Like a lot.
Oddly enough, I feel ok with it.  I feel like this is the calm before the storm.  Class is going to start becoming more challenging and work is going to pick up.  This is trying to test me but I have been down the road of frantic-time-management many times.  Its what I do.  It was recently pointed out to me that I had an A type personality.  It really made me stop and think.  I don't ever remember taking the test but I have always assumed I was more B. The thing is, he was totally right.  So this is a new development in self-awareness and I feel like I can look at things differently.  I mean if you grow up your whole life being told and thinking your a fish, you're a fish.  When you find out you're not a fish you have a curiosity to explore this new freedom. (Available only to the open minded of course).
I never really put myself into a category of 'leader' or 'main attraction' but that is where, in my past, I have excelled in anything.

So in the past few weeks I have been adapting a kind of role of managing my life more from the point of time management and streamlining with a consideration of shuffling priorities.  I am needing things to go as smooth as possible to not create any more stress or drama around here.  This place is sick with it.  In the priority line up, I have that I need to do something with all the anger and resentment.  I can't just ignore something that will fester if I don't confront it.  Coincidentally every time I have a thought about forgiveness I am met that day with some sort of confrontation to remind me of who he really is now.

The thing is, I am grieving.  This was a significant loss to me.  I don't care that the other side speaks of "its been a long time coming" or "its been over a long time now", because that isn't the truth.  To continue to be malicious and snide and completely disrespectful after telling me that I need to be nice is ludicrous. I have spent my moments being the asshole but I owned up to it and apologized.  I am tired of being treated like I am some road block to someone else's 'Happily Ever After' when it was mine that was snatched out from under me.  I find it odd to feel so much grief and so much need for forgiveness all at the same time.  Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past.  This is the key.  It is so very difficult for me to practice not caring about the past. I know in my heart of hearts it is not going to change anything and therefor wasted energy but it hasn't been easy to unattach when the history is all around you.

It is my prerogative to grieve and a responsibility to myself to do so to get rid of the attachment.  I will do it in my own way and in my own time.  I refuse to turn to ice and turn around with a heart full of hate, as much as I want to.  It wouldn't be the right thing to do.  I feel like I am just waiting for him to do or say something that is the old him.  The one I know inside and out, intimately and better than he knew himself.  And maybe he never will.  Maybe I will have this super incredulous feeling constantly overwhelm me every time he interacts with me. I just feel like I can't forgive until something like that happens, that there is some sort of acknowledgement. 

So when I declare I just don't have time for men, I don't want the responsibility or the emotional distractions, I have had a wonderful weekend with someone new. Already its been a brainstorm of when the hell we will have time together again.  He wants to come over and I feel I have to quarantine people out of respect.  Its an issue of distance as well which I told him in the beginning I was NOT thrilled with.  He probably thinks I'm married or some such shit.... Ugh.  It is so refreshing to be around someone who is just as into you.  Where talking is a chain of forever and seduction a gauge of interest. 

and still, I can't help but think in the back of my head, "is he going to tell me what I am allowed and not allowed to do with him?"  "Is he one day going to tell me I don't love him the way he wants to be loved?"  "How about tell me he can't love me for me?"  Is he too, going to be tolerant and patient with other people on issues that he will be short and terse with me about? 

Well I guess we will see what happens. Right now I am enjoying what I can while I can.  I am learning everything in life really is temporary and I really can't control anything else in my life, just how I react. I am a work in progress but at least I have compassion.

Not Yours

If you are not a part of my past.
If you are not a part of my future,
Then the issue of where I am in my life
and who it affects has fuck all
to do with you.

Don't pretend to be knowledgeable
in something you have no clue about.
You don't know me
I don't know you
You, do not hold any power over me
and never will.

I know my truth.
I have a deep history you can never touch.
It is mine and it is my work
It will always be mine.
You can have your own but
I'm willing to bet, the stories compare.

I have my own escapes.
Others have theirs.
I know things others don't 
I will call you out.
as I have done many times before.

So don't worry about me
I know you aren't
but then you would stop feeling
so deeply, wouldn't you.
You think you're clever
ultimately you're as big a fool as me.

Still bitter recap

So I've been doing reflecting lately, like I'm ever not, and today was just an emotional day. I've been very good about just avoidance at all costs because it just sets me off, and trying to just focus on other things. Happy things. Fun things. Good things. At least that is how its supposed to work anyway....

I've hit a point where I'm just sad. I feel so defeated.  I keep going back to the fact that an affair is an affair.  I can even go back in my history and showed when I inquired about 'whether or not your partner is having an emotional affair' months before this ever came about.  And I didn't do anything about it because I trusted him.
So, I feel fucking sad about it.

I'm still angry, don't get me wrong.  I have been put in a position of living arrangement against my will and I don't appreciate being lied to. Being able to move out and away would have been a huge privilege. The constant judgmental attitude kinda sucks and I'm angry it all happened over night. 
So, its traumatic.  Things are happening emotionally in me that I have never seen or been before in my life, and I have had to put up with some serious crap.  Trouble is, most of those situations can be handled without emotion.  It's fight or flight and when its either one, your just in survival mode.  You don't have time to feel.  And Mr. Charming arrives, and its magic and you FINALLY trust someone and build a future and a family and then all that malicious meanness comes out of two strangers who for some reason unknown why, detest each other. The man that used to make me want to be a better person has turned me into someone I don't like.  I know he doesn't like who he has become.  At least according to his holy teachings.  The desperation is just seeping out of every pore of this house and I'm anxious to get along.
So there is emotional progress happening.  I only almost started to cry a few times and I haven't cried in a long time.  I feel over emotional lately anyway for some reason.  I'm getting irritated that my FWB is deciding to become more attached.  I keep looking around this house and everything in it.  It's all combined and mixed and a culmination of love and laughter and I don't want it.  I don't want to go through it.  I don't want to have to deal with the physical separation of belongings when HE was the one who 'left'. I have to start over anyway, fuck.
This journey has been hard as hell.  I'm emotionally drained and have been made a big enough fool to keep me humble for a very long time.  There is still this energy he brings with him that I can read in the house and it makes me feel sick, like pit in my stomach because its not supposed to be 'my vibration' to feel anymore and I can't help it.  I think the hard thing right now is thinking about forgiveness.  I feel so wounded still I can't just say "oh, its fine. I'm ok". Cause I'm not.  I'm working on it and I'm trying so very hard to think positive thoughts for him and I might squeak in one or two here and there, like every success he is earning he totally deserves because he worked really hard for it.  I ought to know, I was there.  I have a very sinking feeling he is up to something against me. Which is unfortunate because I was under the impression I was given two shits about.

I have an uncertain future.  No family.  A confusion about self worth after being told I haven't got any.  No one to share it with and being forced to watch my ex fiance become romantically involved immediately after serving me papers. Literally. Out of the Blue.
Yeah. I'm still a touch bitter.
I'll get there, I'm really trying....

It's beginning to not be about you anymore

I have never felt this much animosity towards someone in my life.  It's been a weird experience to say the least, but I think I am getting to more of a point where the gratitude just might start to tip the scale over hate.  My goal is not complete forgiveness any time soon, but just to not have this road block of negativity in my life.  Just scoot it out of the way and be done with it. 

If you have ever been through a divorce, or a long term relationship breakup, you know there is a period of time (in most cases anyway) where the two of you have to be together. Perhaps even live with each other while other arrangements are being made.  Whether that is a few days or months, it is something you just gotta do. So imagine at this time, and I can see this being true for victims of adultery, that the person you just had a monogamous, loving, trusting, commitment to, is rather immediately (suspiciously so) swept up into the arms of another lover. And you had to watch. And they got mad at you because you "won't be nice" to them. And they literally blamed you for everything that was wrong in the relationship. Ugh.

So it's not as cut and dry as it could be, hell it's not even a workable tear.  This is a stab wound.  Remember the part in Hellboy 2 where he had the piece of metal stuck in his heart? And the more they tried to get to it to remove it, the more it traveled towards the heart to kill him? It's like that.
So I rightfully think my healing process is going to be as equally as rough on the ascent up this giant hill of recovery.
That and I overthink the shit out of things.

My practice in practicing mindfulness has been getting quite the work out. I have to stop and ask myself if what I am thinking about is 'wholesome' or not.  The redirecting to something happy is dependent on my mood.  Literally sometimes its tough to find something to think about that makes you smile.  It can be frustrating. And I'm not supposed to have expectations of the future but I tend to spend time day dreaming about my future and this is not good either.  So lately my mantra has been to stay in the present. "The future only consists with a series of now's, the past is finished."


I have been future focused and that is a good thing.  As far as I know, I am all ready for November to arrive.  I don't want to talk about it now because I'm being superstitious.  What I am doing seems too easy to be true that I am able to do it.  I feel better in that my distraction is in the form of bettering myself and not being taken over by the lust and novelty of a new lover.  Because what ultimately will happen is what you don't deal with now, will come back to deal with you later.  I have been in the position of drowning my 'sadness' in the form of a new relationship. I made some bad decisions at those times.  Bad... 

I am starting to think of going through the things in the basement to separate, throw out, organize which feels healthy to me.  I can't wait for him to do it, he won't.  He will save it till last minute and turn into a fucking bear dealing with it.  Fuck that game...  I am starting to really appreciate the fact that I am not taking care of a 6 person family anymore.  I don't have to meal plan and feel like I need to keep things clean. I don't give a shit plain and simple, except for the things I care about.  I can do whatever the hell I want.  If I don't want to have to sit down and eat dinner across from some jerk who was an awful person to me, I don't have to! I shouldn't fucking have to in the first place! I still feel sad about not getting to enjoy things together like we used to.  I miss watching football.  New seasons of shows we watched together coming out make me feel like I don't want to watch them anymore.  I still feel like he is there in the back of my head somewhere.  The little part I talk to all the time and share things with.  I guess I have to recondition my brain to channel that wire back to myself now.  I have to remind myself he isn't who he was anymore. The man I knew is in the past and we do not live there anymore.

Aside from the aches and pains of work, physically I am feeling fabulous.  It's rather amazing how finding the right combination of medications can make you feel great inside and eventually outside. I have dropped 20 pounds, I am seeking out exercise on a daily basis, I don't eat like a tapeworm and I feel sexier.  I think I did the right thing in seeking out a fwb as soon as I could, It's been an ego boost for sure without having the added pressure of another person in my life.  Not that I don't want that ultimately, I just consider if its going to be any more work than what should occur naturally, then it isn't the love I want. I don't want to have to work at getting to know and fall in love with someone. That's just lust.  The trouble is with my friend, he lives further away than I would like.  But its a catch 22 when you're also not supposed to eat where you shit.

So in baby steps I am getting through this.  Just like everyone has predicted.  I am trying to be patient and I am trying to keep busy. I am working on my future and disregarding my past. I am learning to accept the appreciation of lessons learned/learning but still a long way from forgiveness but I am ok with that.  I am being open to any possibilities in my life and staying eager at the chance for better circumstances (sooner rather than later hopefully).  I'm taking care of me and reminding myself to be patient with myself.  I so very much miss the closeness and intimacy of someone but the craving just has become a sort of fuel for taking better care of me.  Ultimately at this time, the possibilities are endless...

Sticking with the plan

I wouldn't have come here if I didn't think I needed the outlet.  I've been told they have made it "facebook official".  I can't fucking get away from it.  I spent most of the weekend away, trying to enjoy the fall colors coming.  I relaxed and watched tv. I still am angry at how angry I am still.
I spent the time being my 'own best friend', and I usually give myself very good advice, you know.  Tried to keep the mind frame in its happy place.  Which worked most of the weekend.  Until he came home Sunday and I felt like a vampire getting caught in sunlight.  Old school style, cape, castle, hissing and retreating into the shadows...

I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  Only because the very thought of him even being around makes my stomach curdle.  If my eyes are forced to look in his direction I involuntarily start to scowl in disgust.  All because I have finally come to terms with who exactly he is as a person.  Even after the disposal of me, I found myself making excuses for him.  Trying to find reason in the chaos that swarmed.  I still genuinely believed he was a good person.  A great catch, a friend who wouldn't let you down.  Now I constantly hear echos in my head of mean things he has verbally said to me over the years.  They way he glared at me.  The selfish way of living. The narcissistic behavior.  I see swagger and ego. I am reminded of my own faults.

So then I have to spend time doing a re-patch on my own self confidence, which when it seems like you spend a lot of time doing, it starts to get not so convincing. I want to be able to forgive so I can stop burning up with this fury of injustice and bandage the wounds already.  Not to have to be reminded on a daily basis that someone I loved heart and soul thinks I am the worst thing to ever happen to him. That I am unworthy of love. It is still how surreal it all is.  How someone can go from best friend and close lover to complete maliciously mean stranger almost overnight.  All because of another woman. 

I need to be able to forgive so I can stop imagining scenarios where I actually come out the winner.  So I can more presently radiate that which I want in return, respect, love, happiness... So I can stop mourning for the loss of a future and quit being haunted by the regretful decisions of the past.  I am continuing on with one foot in front of the other, as steady of a pace as I can, and focusing on me.  If all goes as it is seeming to, come November I am going to become a very busy woman.  I try to fill my days with trying to accomplish little things to get things moving for things to be able to happen in my future the way that I want them to, now that I have a plan.  It's not necessarily the plan I thought i was going to head towards but that was my own speculation of a magical life.  The important thing is, it's a plan and I am excited to have one.  One that is achievable and worth the extra work now.  It doesn't matter that I didn't have it sooner, the past is the past and you can't change it. I am here, now and that is what matters.

Other than the dark brooding hate that I have for someone I had just as much love for, things are well.  I am losing weight, feeling fantastic, feeling attractive, being adventurous, feeling happy.  I am busy at work, I have landed a FWB that actually is fucking fantastic.  I'm looking forward to my future progressing and remaining open minded to the fact that changes may be made along the way.  I have got to try to let go of expectations.

Overall I am much happier and clearer headed than I have been in a very long time.  It's times like these that I really wish I did have someone close to me that I can share with.  That exchange of energies and the intimacy of shared feelings on a cellular level.  I know that even after all the damage incurred with this experience, all the trauma exposure, the dust settling on the battlefield, I am not broken.  I still have the capability to love and to want to be loved.  When I read things that describe a special kind of heartbreak, the kind that feels like something a part of you has died, they aren't kidding.  I know now the exact destitution they are speaking of.  It becomes a life changer in some of the most dramatic ways.
and now, if someone I care for starts to tell me what they will and won't tolerate from me in a relationship, I will know I have to run far and run fast.

The tail-between-the-legs walk

Since Sunday things have been quiet.  Very quiet.  I keep to myself and he keeps hidden away.  I BARELY have enough respect to stand to be in the same room with him at this point much less look at or talk to.  I have a lot of time to think about a lot of things, unfortunately, and while I try to ignore the chatter of anger towards him I still keep being inundated with things he said to me.  About me.  It makes me physically ill to think about how much of a stranger he has become.  It's literally like night and day.  It still is so surreal to me.

I figured out, based on insults he was hurling at me, what it is about me that he was trying to change.  It was having an epiphany that left me feeling ashamed and hurt.  Humbled.  It came on Monday morning to me after I had finally felt I instinctively selected a career change path to take to switch gears.  I was hiking on a trail and I was thinking about how this new career would change things.  How I would have to change and I looked forward to progressing with this plan, it feels good deep down inside.  Then it surfaced with me things that he said he didn't like about me.  He didn't like my career, my health, he couldn't tolerate my lack of education, angered I had no friends.  Basically he thinks I am white trash.  He thinks I am beneath him in class and social structure.  This is why he treats me like I am dog shit, he seriously thinks I'm dog shit. 

My being humbled comes about when I realize at once, I can't blame him.
I spent so many times *thinking* about going back to school. *Attempting* to do the extroverted friend thing.  Starting this or that project and not finishing.  He felt I was a shitty parent and I have admitted I could use some help in that area, I am not disciplined enough.  But when you come at me in an attacking manner regarding the relationship between us and the kids and how "awful" they are, I think its a natural reaction to be defensive.  I have a 24 year old car because I own it outright.  I can't do payments on a newer vehicle because I don't make enough money, and I have been ok with this.  I have no credit and need to build some, I can be notoriously lazy and a martyr about being the cleaning fairy around the house.  I don't have good health insurance, again the job thing and I have no retirement plans.  I can't just walk into a new career and I have been wishy washy about returning to school because I felt like I didn't have time for it all. 

I took a look at my life and behavior for the first time from his point of view without bias.  I saw it as it was.  I found my motivation for this new career path I want to take and its one where I can be proud of who I am and what I have done, despite set backs, and be able to provide for my family solely.  To conduct myself in a fashion as to radiate loving kindness and have it returned to me.  To be respected and admired both physically and mentally.  The bare minimum was how I had been living my life and I have made a decision that the bare minimum will no longer be a standard of productivity.  I don't know what made me go into that mode, I don't understand why I felt that was ok.  Maybe it was because I was feeling so unsure of myself, a lack of self confidence when you are being told you are an awful person and not worthy of love, will surely make someone lose interest in what they have to bring to the table. Not to mention become less active in trying to make a better future.  You just want to get through the day, week, month with out being insulted.

This is not something I have come to to try to impress anyone, least of all someone who gives no fucks about me, but it is definitely about returning to being the independent, strong woman I once was.  It's not in spite of anyone either.  This is no longer about anyone else but me.  I made the mistake of being the support of someone else for so long instead of taking care of me and in the end I only shot myself in the foot. I have the whole rest of my life left and I have a lot of things I still want to accomplish.  I finally have a goal, something to work for and something I can sink my life into. I don't have to ride on the coat tails of anyone else anymore and I can make a REAL go at being a productive member of society instead of continuing a career that I began and kept at just because "it was fun".

I threw a fit.  I had a tantrum.  I may need to apologize for things said, not meant. I felt completely betrayed  and sucker punched.  I can't imagine anyone reacting anymore happier about it than I did.  I am an emotional creature and I have spent a lot of time evaluating these emotions and their weight and worth and began to reach towards living a life where non-attachment is the truth.  It's been a slippery slope and I'm not completely proud but I do own my shit.  I can recognize when something is my fault. Recognize and own up to it.  I took some of that new compassion feeling into an outer view of me and saw instinctively what I chose to not see for the longest time, for whatever reason.  I can't change the past.  I have no control over that at all and thinking about it isn't going to make it change.  I can't do anything about the future outcomes. I have no control over that either.  The thing I can  control right now is how I respond to things in front of me at that moment.  I can lay down some actions to encourage that my life will take on a more positive route.  I can continue to work on my loving kindness, my forgiveness of self and my forgiveness of others.   I won't apologize for my emotions.  I own those.

I already know how you feel about me.

There are only so many times someone can hear that they are worthless in the eyes of the accuser.  That you are a horrible person and everything wrong has absolutely been the sole fault of you causing it.  To say they have wasted so many years of their life on someone.  Which apparently is my fault because I am in denial about all of my misgivings that have occurred in the relationship.

So you hear these things and you stand there incredulous that someone you were so very recently extremely close and intimate with, could even possibly think these things are true.  So in a weak defense there are childish insults thrown back and forth but his, his were not just mean, they were downright malicious.  Thrown out of his throat and hurled at me from across the room to order me to stop sending threatening text messages. ( I was angry so I said I hope he got poison ivy on his dick.) I was drinking, angry and felt this inherent need to lash out.  So this person REALLY thinks these horrible things of you as you shout back and forth trying to get the last word or the one insult that would end the nonsense.

Well once again, He wins.  He gets his way every fucking time.  He is still holding the relationship hostage and there is no relationship anymore! It's an outright issue of trying to be in control.  To suppress me.  To make me feel like I am the worst person in the world gives him that air of superiority and then demands in return that I be nice to him. I have never in my whole life been talked down to by anyone, ever.  Especially with such a sting of poison.  I feel saturated in the injection of hate and anger and blame as it courses through my body and weighs me down like cement shoes.

I'm supposed to be reveling in lovingkindness feelings and spewing them all over humanity but I have been finding it difficult to even bring it up because of how spent I feel.  On how worn down and desperate I am in dealing with him mentally and emotionally.  I have to figure out how to make this better. For me.  Just because he says these things doesn't make them true.  He is someone who spent a long time convincing himself with every move I made, every sound I uttered, every decision I made was absolutely just sucking his will to live.  Raising the judgment and self righteousness up to top level.   He says I have been acting awful ever since August first and I can't for the life of me understand how he thought in particular I would take finding out the happiest times of my life were bullshit.  That I had no future we had been planning out for years and how I am so awful at everything.  I guess I was supposed to encourage him more.  Agree with him.  Walk away in submission with my tail between my legs. Admit that it would be more than ok to be completely rejected after putting heart and soul into him.

I was doing really well too.  Then it seems I have been tested left and right.  Pictures surfacing, links leading to a discovery that one wasn't expecting.  I'm angry.  I spend so much of my time now with my stomach in knots. He is getting his giant fucking cake and he sat down at the head of the table and started eating it like a god.  I have a right to be upset when I am still confused and reeling in what STILL feels like a very surreal dream.  I can't wrap my head around what happened and I am being worn down by being told I have way more negative qualities over positive ones and I'm basically a waste of air.

This is awful and I hate who he has become.  I have no respect for him whatsoever and I still manage to feel like he treats me like dog shit on his shoe.  I can't understand how deep the selfishness goes and how it came to be that it was more than ok for him to call out these horrible faults to let me know exactly what he feels about me.

As if I didn't know already.

Trust issues

Today is a high emotion day and I feel completely out of control.  I feel unsatisfied and angry but I couldn't quite put my finger on exactly why.  So I came home, laid down and tried to find my love and kindness to give to myself and it all of a sudden hit me what was bothering me.

I have been talking to someone for about a week and a half? now.  We seem to get a long well and have a lot in common.  He seems attractive and is easy to talk to but there are a few red flags that I just can't ignore.  If they bother me now, it likely will bother me in the future.  He is super excited about the prospect of 'us' and the more I think about it, the more I feel like backing away.  I am not too keen on his history, how many marriages, how many children.  His job is something I can't see a man my age doing for a living and sometimes when he talks he just goes on and on and a lot is about himself.  The last thing I need is another narcissist.  He also is coming across as more vain than I would like and that bothers me as well.  I feel like I might be super picky or shallow but then I think, why the hell should I sacrifice what I want in a partner?  It's not like it's a race or I absolutely need to be with someone.

Then I think, "I don't think I am ready for this."
I don't think I am in a place to trust anyone right now.
Every time we have a good conversation or I get complimented I just get covered in thoughts of "this is how it was with HIM". Like how we just 'clicked' and how similar we were. How we got along and the attraction level.  And I think, "and then six years later, I'm the one left without warning, out of the blue and get a broken heart when I believed it was a true thing."  If I thought that was true and the rest of my life, I feel I can't trust my judgement anymore.  I feel I can't trust other men.  and it hurts.  It hurts me because I shouldn't have ever been made to feel this way when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I think this is where someone would tell me I need to be able to take a chance because 'you never know' but at this time, I WANT to trust my gut.  I WANT to be able to have someone who loves me for me.  Who appreciates me and wants to be with me.  Touch me, share mundane things with me, talk to me about nothing and everything and I feel like I'm not going to be able to have that because I will never know if it is real or not.  because it certainly felt real to me before.  I was willing to fight for it.  I was willing to do anything, change everything for the better.  For the betterment of me because of how much I trusted and believed the feeling was mutual;  was reciprocated.

I know its too soon to be saying anything considering I haven't even physically met him yet but I just don't feel like I want to pursue this or anything else at this time.  I don't want to go back to that awful place of fear and loathing again but I have to figure out a way to learn how to trust again.  Myself and others.  As lonely as I am and as unappreciated and taken for granted I feel, for as much as I want to be desired and a relationship with passion and kindness, I want even more to not have to waste my time giving all of myself heart and soul to someone who is just going to throw me away again.  I wouldn't be able to survive another heart break like this. This, literally, has been THE most emotionally painful thing I have ever been through in my life so far.  While I am and have been taking steps to become better and to let go, it is a process that is going to take time.  It never will be all the way gone, its a part of me.  Its a part of me and I hate that. 

I don't know what I am going to do.  I don't know how I am going to handle this emotional letdown of trust and caring but I do know I can't go further in my life without it.  There won't be progress for myself like I want if I don't take care of the baggage weighing me down.  I kind of like that I am noticing these things about someone that I don't like, I feel like I am being more aware of what I invite into my life but being responsible sure is difficult some times.

Static is good for now

Things are coming to a quiet crawl lately.  Which is fine because I have had enough emotion and stress for the year.  Actually he did something the other day that was complete and utter bull shit.  This is just to show how much of a paranoid asshole he is.

He posted a very derogatory post about me on facebook.  A mutual friend alerted me to it saying he was 'being icky on facebook'.  So I of course confronted him and he wanted to know who it was so he could know who was "sending me stuff".  The thing is, no one has sent me anything about him.  Nothing.  I don't want to know.  I don't give a flying fuck.  I wish he was gone.  I wish I didn't have to see his lying face and be near his asshole body.  His presence makes me want to bleach out my whole system for everywhere he has ever even touched me because of the betrayment I felt.  So he blocked this innocent friend who was just trying to help and she was upset.  I told her he doesn't care.  He has a new group of friends he cares about.  A new set of groupies.  A bigger audience.  He won't care about any of them any more because he has moved on.  She said she was starting to see that he is indeed a narcissist and her husband gives "zero fucks" about him for the way he is now.

Good.  Good for him.  If you are normal you don't go around pretending to be in a secure steady relationship until you feel its ready for YOU to move onto your next conquest you lined up in your mind.  He may as well have cheated.  He was basically having an emotional affair and spent months just judging me and convincing himself of how awful he thinks I am.  I know I didn't deserve that.  I did nothing to him to deserve that and his guilt gives him away.    Every now and then some one will ask if there is a chance we will get back together.  I laugh.  I laugh deep because there is a snowballs chance in hell that would happen and I don't believe in hell.  When I think back to the things he said to me that were abusive in nature, it makes me sick to know I still stuck around for him.  That I made excuses.  That I blamed it on myself. 

Never again.

I am lonely.  I miss having someone to talk to and someone to look forward to.  Laugh with, cuddle with. I really, really miss sex.  I miss making plans with someone and all that other shit.  I had been talking to a couple guys off the internet.  The one I stated out with, I am not so interested in meeting anymore.  Things seemed to have fittered out and I just am not feeling it.  Now there is number two and I have to say, I am already getting swept off my feet and we haven't met.  He is attentive, funny, charming, smart, creative.  He and I have the same sense of spirituality, humor, view points for the most part.  He seems like he is the rugged handsome I look for and I feel like I might not be worthy of such an attractive man.  I have self confidence issues clearly.  He wrote a book, a comic/graphic novel one.  Also did the illustrations for it, I am telling you I am pretty blown away.  There are a couple red flags but I will give it time.  I don't want to judge too deeply and I really enjoy getting to know someone who wants to get to know me.  He compliments me all the time which I am not used to and he is a Pisces  which is actually my exact astrological match.  LOL.

Things are things and they are what they are for now.  I am just trying to get by day by day and accomplish what I can for now and keep in mind some goals I would like to achieve in the future.  I still have my happy, I have lost about 15 pounds, I am trying still to radiate my lovingkindness and I am trying not to have expectations anymore.  I hope the continuity of goodness can keep flowing for me.

The dating pool needs a plague to happen

Well in an effort to quell my boredom and to see what is out there to be had, under the suggestion of a friend I made a dating profile.  It has been 3 days and I gotta say, It. Is. Awful. out there.

Maybe its the site I am on, maybe its my age group, maybe its the location I am in but holy crap.  I was prepared for bad, not apocalyptic desperateness. Now mind you, I have been talking to a gentleman for a few days and he so far, seems normal.  His pictures show him as attractive but he seems to not want to share any via text which is a red flag to me.  I am not having any expectations but it is nice to talk to someone just for the fun of getting to know someone who also wants to get to know you.

Mainly I get a lot of messages from these men who are almost 50, they look 60 and pose in pics like their 35.  A lot of them are holding fish.  I don't mind fishing, don't get me wrong, but I'm not 'that' country.  Others look like they have been over the road truck drivers for 30 years. Some pictures, I just can't explain.  I'm like "what are you looking at?" "Why don't you smile ever?" "Is that supposed to be a sexy pose to entice me?" "Why a picture of you topless? and with a woman?". Photos of the neck down, and it's humpty dumpty himself.  Photos of them sitting in a 30 year old plaid recliner watching tv.  Skinny white guys who look like they have been too intimate with meth and then there are the playboys of the internet.  You can say clearly and boldly you are not into casual and I swear, they still swing at you. 

They get mad when you don't respond.  They stalk you trying to chat with you ALL THE TIME.  They want to talk to you but are the WORST conversationalists.
"Hello"
"hello"
"wanna chat?"
"ok"
"so what's going on?"
"nothing"
"you're cute."
 Seriously. What the hell? I had some redneck message me to tell me I shouldn't disqualify men who don't know who Gloria Steinem is because he can guarantee me that 90% of men don't know who she is.  Therefore, I am clearly not interested in meeting anyone.  I responded that actually a lot of men know who she is and it wasn't like I made a list of demands to be met as qualifiers of who I will only talk to.  I just made a reference point of an intelligence level I am seeking out.  So he asked his roommate if he knew who she was.  "nope. See?"  I can only respond "well. Ok then." to which he lol'd and said passively aggressive it was nice chatting with me.  This dude is older than me.  This is the type of stupid that is out there.

What I want is to be able to meet someone organically.  I want them to size me up physically and energy wise and be able to see my eyes.  I want to hear their voice, know they have a sense of humor and there is a mutual attraction. I want it to be playful and cute.  Exciting and fun. This is more scary and sketchy.
Many years ago, after I first was divorced, I tried the online dating thing and a few stick out like sore thumbs.  The dude I met at a coffee shop who while having much to say online and on the phone all of a sudden lost his communication skills in front of me.  After about 20 agonizing minutes of trying to give him a chance to converse, I just said "well, uh, I'm gonna go now." and he said "oh, ok." and I just turned and left.  Another I met at a bar in the late afternoon where apparently he had been for a bit (because he drinks for free for doing work for the owner) and when I asked if he wanted to meet up to play pool, he asked if he could put his skateboard in my car.  Skateboard. 35 year old man.  I shrugged and gave him a chance anyway where upon the whole night he talked about himself and made everything a competition.  There were a couple that were nice, but there just was no click.  Then of course are the ones that send you pictures of their johnson's after talking for a short time. *sigh* No. No self respecting woman wants that. 

In real life the trouble is, everyone is afraid.  You don't want to hit on someone who may be attached.  You don't want to look like an ass to someone who is not into you at all.  Some people can't read physical cues at all, mostly men, so this is why women wait half the time for them to make a move.  If a woman does, then she just wants the D, right? A lot of men don't even know there is a woman flirting with them.  Here we are, painstakingly trying to send out these signs and flashing neon lights of "ASK ME OUT!" and they are blank.  They say they want us to make the first move but holy crap.  It's difficult for a woman to just be blunt like that.  Not because were ladies but because we can't tell if you are into us or not. I can be forward.  I can be flirty. I can do the asking, if I know I am getting come-at-me signals but more often than not, I get told I am intimidating.  I don't know where the middle ground is.  The thing I have to remember is if this is how they are going to act/respond/present themselves, then I really don't likely want any part of them.

I read recently that when you meet your soul mate that it shouldn't be nervous and anxious.  It should be smooth and calm, like it was meant to be.  Yes.  Natural. Organic. Physically present and mentally readable. Energy to be transferred and connections made.  Anyone can really put forward anything behind the screen of a computer.  A picture can be taken 50 different ways in just as much of a time frame.  I want to see if you have a weird stain on your pants or when you talk spit comes out of your mouth. Or if you even spit! EW!  Do you smell like old beer or nice?  Is your hair taken care of or could I fry tater tots in the grease? Do you have an odd quirky thing you do when you talk, like not look me in the eyes or do you laugh inappropriately? 

I dunno.  I am thinking I am going to delete this profile because it's really just kinda bringing me down.  Like way down.  I want a companion and I want a best friend.  I want someone to spend time with and miss when he is away.  I want to look forward to my phone going off and having a REAL DATE! I want to have those first moments of a touch. Silence.  A gaze.  I want to feel attractive and be attracted.  That moment when you just *know* sex is inevitable and it's mind blowingly passionate and sensual.  I just am thinking I don't think what I want is going to be behind the computer screen.  I am going to give this one dude a chance I think, but no more.  It's almost stressful to be put through the horrors of the single men who want to meet me... I shouldn't be in a rush anyway.  I have a lot of patience and finding someone right for me will be worth the wait.  Maybe I will just hang a 'Single' sign around my neck....

Mindfulness of a hike

So my retreat went as well as it could have.  Bhante was extremely not what I imagined and the things that I learned were radically different than the things I *thought* I knew about meditation.  I didn't really know that I was also to be receiving lessons in Buddhism itself, I had an inkling but I was given the ground work for what Buddhism is all about.  It's really something I got behind and really thought about while there.  I carried these thoughts home with me and I am still mulling on them.  It can be pretty deep stuff, said in the simplest of terms but after hearing you say "damn, that really makes sense." I spent a lot of time saying that actually.

The Dhamma Hall

My little sleeping cabin for the week

Mindfulness is not what I thought.  Mindfulness is the act of recognizing how and where the minds thoughts go to.  So what we did was to meditate on lovingkindness which is to smile and radiate this feeling to whomever or where ever you are depending on your level.  In this time, every time your mind wanders away, you gently redirect it and just ignore the train your brain was trying to take you on.  It's conditioning.  You are teaching your brain to ignore the unwholesome and to be only in a zone of wholesome.  If you practice a one point meditation, focusing on breath or an object, what you are really doing is pushing down the other distractions which will surely reappear when you are not focusing on your object.  It's a distraction for your distractions. The teachings of this wholesome/unwholesome meditation, Metta, was taught by the Buddha in the Suttas and is a more streamlined way to achieve Nibana in this lifetime.  This would be enlightenment.


My first couple of days were sketchy.  I was trying but I didn't really know what I was going for.  I figured if I kept at it and asked enough questions I would understand what it was I was trying to do.  I had to unlearn a lot of behavior that was automatic.  It was actually a good thing I was not a regularly practicing meditator because it would have been very difficult for me to unlearn 'bad' habits.  So slowly but surely I was acheiving what I was supposed to in my practice.  On my third day, it was awful.  I was feeling overwhelemed, I didn't think this was going to work, I stopped myself from breaking down into tears, I kept trying everything I knew to relax and just stop thinking about anything and nothing was working.  I couldn't get past these thoughts that kept violating my head space about what I was going through in my life now and what could be happening, all aspects good and bad or just nonsense.   I felt like a failure.

Some of the grounds

The next morning, after morning meditation, I had an unforgettable experience.  I was calm and looking forward to the day because I had a new day to begin with.  I was positive and all I could do was try.  During my sitting after about 10 minutes, it became incredible.  My light shifted and moved and there was this overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness all throughout me and radiating from me.  I could NOT stop smiling!  I sat there for about another 15 minutes and I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to go outside.  I walked the grounds and into the forest and just felt so calm and peaceful and happy. Interestingly, I felt smaller. Like I was closer to the ground.  It really was like magic.  The feeling of loving kindness I had struggled with finding in the days before was a permanent part of me.  The struggling Bhante had told me was a hardening of the heart. He said my awful day was a "work day".  I now had this sudden truth in my head that "everything JUST is".  And I was ok with that! I still am!  I realized I literally had no control over anything in my life or anyone else.  It is difficult to really overcome and I do still have some attachments but for the most part, I really overcame a lot of what I *thought* was the problem.  I saw everything in a whole new light.  I saw things as they were.  They just ARE.  I gave up mourning the past and I am working on stopping mulling over the future, focusing on where I am right NOW.   I can still feel this light in me and I am still working on radiating it out to all around me.  Whether others feel it or not, is none of my concern.  I just need to be concerned about me.

I remembered what it was like to be happy.  A genuine happy.  Not a happy for the moment feeling but a happy all the time happy.  I hadn't felt like that in four years.  Back when our relationship started going downhill but I didn't see it.  I have a truth within me that is what it is.  Other people may have opinions of me and that is fine.  That is their thinking.  Their life.  I couldn't control it anyway.  I know enough about me and I know what I am made up of.  I won't allow anyone to dictate to me how I feel or accuse me of making them feel any certain way because I didn't.  I can't.  That is impossible.  I can see how being around certain people who bring you down and insult you can lead to feeling depression but all in all, it's you who go there. You who stay there. You who are blind to the treatment.  It all sounds like it should just be known, but it isn't.  You THINK you know these things, but until it becomes you, you really only are guessing.

When I left the retreat I went to a local mountain there, Taum Sauk to go hike on the Mina Sauk Falls trail.  It was Sunday and I expected it to be crowded because it was beautiful out and the place usually has quit a few people on the weekends to go see the top most part of Missouri.  I hit a detour in the morning because my mind was clearly not thinking and ended up about an hour away from where I needed to be but that was fine, I had all day.

 I arrived there and there were a handful of vehicles in the parking lot.  I set out on the 3 mile trail and I saw one couple at the trail head, just coming back from the point of interest.  That was all I saw the whole time!  It was so bizarre!  It was a gorgeous day, there weren't any other groups of people being loud and obnoxious.  There were animals and insects, lizards to see that weren't being scared off.  I didn't have to feel rushed by other people like I used to. (I don't know why but HE always made it seem like it was a damn race.  Always ahead, would not slow down to just enjoy views.  When he started leading other groups of hikers you can imagine how floored I was to see him lagging behind everyone else and saying it was ok if they took their time.  I guess when you want to look good to other people these are the things you do.)  I didn't have any kids walking right behind me as I hate, no complaining.  I got to take my time and enjoy what I wanted to enjoy.  Its a challenging trail but I felt great.  At the end, a little out of breath but feeling still ever so happy and appreciating where I was at that moment.

I don't know if I will continue on to becoming Buddhist but the teachings are something that I will carry with me.  I am changed for it.  Buddha was not a teacher, he was a guide. YOU are your own teacher.  I almost feel like a paid actor supporting a product but it was a pretty profound time.  Those articles on meditation and insight, it's not bullshit. I have been able to reach a place where I do not take things personally (for the most part).   It all won't take you where you need to be as fast as you would like but having a mental shift and dropping bad mental habits is amazingly freeing.  I am so very glad I got to study with Bhante Vimalaramsi and this really is something I will keep in my life because I am healing with it. 

7 Days

I have been gone from "home" for seven days.
I missed the dogs and cat and my kids of course, but that was it.  I had no phone, no internet, no schedule, no responsibilities other than 'me' and I got to learn about something I have always had an interest in. 

When I left I had it in my head that I *knew* what I wanted.  I wanted to lose the feelings that I had but without becoming heartless or cold.  If I could have taken on an "Eternal Sunshine in a Spotless Mind" scenario, I would have taken it.  Honestly, I still would.  Opening your eyes to something that you had closed for so long, made excuses for and revolved around for the past 4 years and not getting half back in return has been a very rude awakening for me.  The more I stand outside the situation and see the behavior of who was involved, I really am in shock as to not only who I became, but that I let it happen.  I see it as it was.  As it is.  The truth.  For now, I am ok with it.  I have to be, because its the truth. I have no control, I will NOT have control and I had no control over anything that happened.  It happened as it happened and things adjust accordingly.  I don't have to take it personally.  If someone wants to be a miserable ass, then that is their prerogative.  If they want to run around chasing younger women because they are having some sort of mid life crises or want someone who will revolve around them like he is the sun, then that is his business.  He will never be happy.  Not until he learns a few things and all in all, that is his path.  I actually can find some things about him that made me super angry rather amusing and funny.  Almost like I can't wait to see what happens but I won't make expectations or hope for the worst.  It's not really up to me anyway.


I got to spend a week learning from a Buddhist monk. In the woods with like one other student.  A return retreater, a woman in her 50's from France and then Berkeley.  I walked in the woods by myself. I learned lovingkindness meditation and have graduated two Jhanas. Two out of four ain't bad ;)  I FELT the change. I SEE the change.  I AM the change.  It really is amazing what a little perspective can do for one.  What can be had for taking the time to just 'be'.  It's not like I was never happy and now I am, I was very happy four years ago.  Until he started to change me.  I can see it all so clearly now.  Then him becoming angry with me for becoming depressed which was caused by him.  Go figure...  But now, I am back to being happy.  I know I will have days that won't be as spectacular, and I will still struggle with certain things but I have laid a very solid foundation for me to work with, learn on and keep forever.  And I don't need to allow anyone to ever treat me like he did, ever again.

It is very difficult to not have control over something you thought you did.  It is very difficult to realize this as well.  What is amazing though is watching and feeling how different the world is around you when you actually do let go.  Even visually, everything is different.  It's nuts....

I don't know if I will continue down the path to becoming a Buddhist but for now, the thoughts and theories are seedlings in my head growing already.  I have been very lucky to have come across this whole string of life events and I now have goals, dreams and am so much better than I was before.   I felt the internal and external feelings of joy and happiness and the peaceful serenity of compassion and all without taking anything personal. Without questioning.  Without losing myself.  I have a lot to take care of in me and I really look forward to doing so because I have realized my worth in its entirety.  I have realized what I have to give and what I will not tolerate in my life anymore because I don't need to feel afraid or walk on eggshells.  I don't need to placate someone or make sure that they are happy.  I don't need to be anyone's cheerleader or maid or cook or wonder about sex. Will it happen? Am I desirable? Will it be satisfying? Will it just be another round of all about him? How many more orgasms do I need to fake? None. No more. Not my problem.

I feel good and I feel whole.  I feel I have a great future and I only have one hold back at this point.  I am damn lonely.

Dream : Pawn Shop

I feel this is a dream worth noting. 

 I went to a pawn shop I apparently frequent. The owner asked if I was there to sell more gold and I said no, that I wanted to buy some instead this time and rebuild my collection.  So I started looking through a selection of nuggets to see what I wanted.  I was thinking I couldn't afford it but I had to do it.  I had a case with me that contained silver jewelry,  mostly junk. There were a few pieces he wanted. There was another guy working there and we all started chatting about things like houses and what I had been going through.  He offered to buy the house I was renting so I could pay a lower rent and get rid of him finally. I was over the moon.

 I was walking around a small town I was visiting and came across a gal who was headed in the same direction.  She wanted to go to the pawn shop but I was sure they were closed today. We walked up to it and it was. So we went to this little store, like a general store, and were wandering around. When we came across the pawn shop owners. The main guy was older, more Wilfred Brimley like but the younger one, I was attracted to and I thought maybe the feeling was mutual.   I was very obviously flirting with him and he kept being very shy and distant. I tried to get him into a conversation and he just acted very not interested.  I was going over and over in my head why this could be. I was telling my friend all my attributes and she was agreeing thinking maybe he is just intimidated.

 This dream is very reflective of what is going on and not only that but gives me a sense of what I need to be doing. That what I am doing is the right thing.

 I feel I finally have some sort of validation and today, today is going to be a new "rest of my life".